My name is Olivia Myles and I have experienced a loss through death. I am here to give you freedom and hope to live through this journey we call grief. My experience with loss happened 2 years ago when my youngest son Josiah Jordan died of an accidental drowning on August 19, 2007. He was 2 years old.
The purpose of this blog is to give you hope and to let you know that there is and can be joy through this journey of loss. God will cover you and keep you. Just remember to keep Him first. Here is just a tip of the iceberg of my experience with grief. Through my story I want you to know that you can get through this; this is not the end of your life, it is the beginning.
My world changed drastically. I couldn’t breathe. I had to force myself to stop eating. I was in disbelief. I was angry. I was scared. I felt alone and empty and I didn’t want to live. I didn’t have any money, and no place to go but back to my apartment; I was forced to face reality. I didn't have the support that I needed through my family because they were grieving as well.
I felt like I could not go on. I was talking to God and I felt like he was not responding. I was reading my bible but it wasn’t sinking in. The only thing I could do was listen to music and cry.
It took all the energy out of me to get out of bed but I had no choice because I had to be there for my son while also attempting to take care of myself.
After we came home from the hospital and everyone had left, there was a deep dark silence that I had never felt before. Reality had sunk in, my baby was gone and there was nothing that I could do about it.
The lies of defeat and guilt started flooding through my veins.
“How could I let this happen”
“It’s my fault”
“If only I had done things differently”
“I a bad mother”
“I want to die”
“Where are you God”
I was frozen in my circle of defeat that even though I was reading the bible and praying and going to church, nothing was getting in.
I went crazy. I started having anxiety attacks, drastic mood swings, I was over eating and I could not function. I had to stop working, I couldn’t drive, I couldn’t cook I couldn’t even think. The enemy thought he had me, and for a moment he did.
I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, Major Depression Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Bipolar disorder and I was taking medication for each of them.
The side effects were the worst, I lost my sex drive, I gained 80 pounds and I had no peace. I was fighting with the enemy and he was winning. The devil had my mind and I was on the verge of suicide.
I was listening to everyone else accept God.
Then one night I prayed...not just a prayer but a prayer. I was tired of feeling depressed and out of whack, I wanted to be me again. I asked God for just that. I said Lord help me to be me. Instantly I had been set free from the mental strongholds that the devil had put in place. I felt in control, because I put Him back in control.
When you seek God first, everything will line up for you.
You see when you hit rock bottom there is know where else to go but up. And believe me, I had hit rock bottom, but as the psalmist said
Psalms 18: 16-19
16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.
19 He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.
Can you believe that, God delights in me. God delights in you.
The next day I started to take half of my dosage of medication, I felt better about myself and I was willing to Seek God.
I enrolled in school to finish my bachelors program and soon after that I was completely off the medicine with no anxiety and panic attacks. I started driving myself to class and focusing on God.
In this transformation season, remember that the Joy of the Lord is your strength and he is a refuge a safe place a strong tower and your savior. God Loves you and so do I!
I am currently a full time student at University of Texas at Dallas, married, and now on a mission to help people Transform their grief to victory.
So Here’s to your transformation!